Nicholas. OurCoffeestops!

The chronicles of an ACCA student.

Archive for October 2010

In these trying times.

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God is amazing.

I just want to thank God for Evie, who have been keeping me company in P7 classes weekly. If not for her, classes would have been depressing. It’s depressing to be in the same class listening to the same things, I just don’t say it out loud.

Funny thing was, if I hadn’t failed the P7 paper, I wouldn’t even have known her, despite being classmates since CAT days. By knowing as in, not merely a hi-bye friend, but a friend. Amazing how God always sends someone to encourage you even when you think God isn’t working the way you think He ought to.

My ways are not His ways. Very true.

There have been many times for the past weeks that I’ve doubted myself, or even doubted Him. Why me? Does He really think I could handle all this at one go?

Office politics. Work stress. Studies. Marking. Maintaining a friendship. and lately, the grandfather. I think it’s not too far off till I add financial distress to the list.

I think I get misunderstood much, for that I think I will reduce my Twitter postings. Might even consider not posting any tweets unless necessary, don’t see any point to it already.

Anyway despite the hardship I have been going through, there is still a silver lining behind those dark clouds. Ms. Kiran have been nice and understanding, felt really bad for extending the deadline because I simply CANNOT finish marking. Current senior is very understanding and nice to talk to too, the KFC teammates aren’t exactly a bad bunch as well. I actually enjoyed work on a few occasions.

Been making visits to uncle’s house and then to Serdang Hospital. Grandfather was admitted yesterday afternoon and had suffered a 2nd stroke to the left brain. 6 years ago, he had a stroke in his right brain. Doc said, he could go any time. I know death is inevitable, but I just pray that he will leave in a peaceful state. I also pray, that my mum will be strong in these trying times. Seen her cried far too many times.

I don’t know how to react. Really. It’s the first time I’m facing a possible death of a close relative, what more my grandfather. The grandfather whom I stayed in Klang with for the first four years of my life, who would bring me out every single day, and have bak kut teh for breakfast after morning exercise. The grandfather who never said no to my ridiculous demands. The grandfather whom has always love me so dearly, eventhough I’m not his biological grandson. My mum is adopted.

I really don’t know what to say to him when I saw him lying on the bed in my uncle’s house. He opened his eyes and looked at me, not able to say anything, I just looked at him and call out to him, but I realised.. I don’t know what else to say.

On another note, with P7 revision classes now officially ended, for the 2nd time, please let this be my final session with Mr. Goh. I don’t know why, or when, but I somehow lost that confidence level I once had in me. I feel like I’m gambling with fate recently.

P5 revision classes next week. New paper, with nothing in my head. I really haven’t touched the topics in the syllabus. For once, I don’t know how I’ll make it for an ACCA paper in my current state. I just hope, and pray real hard that the upcoming study leave I’m getting, I’ll be able to cramp EVERYTHING with a decent level of understanding in my head. If not, then it will be the 22nd ACCA & CAT Graduation for me. Or probably later. Or.. I don’t know.

It’s hard to continue to praise God in these hard times, but I’m trying my level best to. God, I still believe You will carry me through, just show me how. Talk to me, and I’ll listen. Show me, and I’ll pay attention.

Matthew 14:31
“O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Trying not to.

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Written by nwck89

October 31, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Posted in Thoughts

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So at one point in time, my name was not even mentioned once in the whole of the blog post. Then now, there was this ‘special thanks’ sentence dedicated to me.

When did you decide to add it in? It sure wasn’t there when I first read the post.

Written by nwck89

October 30, 2010 at 9:18 pm

Posted in Thoughts

Sore.

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Ever since that night, my heart is sore. 心淡.

Though I woke up in the morning to find your apology text message, I think it’s better to keep my distance.

Written by nwck89

October 28, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Posted in Thoughts

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One of the days that I really, REALLY need a big hug. Just someone to tell me, it’s gonna be okay.

Is it me being sensitive? Or you being insensitive? Like really.

I’m not understanding? I’m NOT understanding? In return to your justifications in how I’m not understanding, how am I suppose to know how is it like there? I’ve never studied abroad and you’ve never ‘updated’ me so to speak on what you do there.

I don’t know a single thing, on what’s going on there. I don’t even know what you do there, except for updates here and there, from friends, but seldom from you.

I don’t get it why am I getting the blame.

If you think that I’m feeling like you’re ignoring me, which technically says you know you are ignoring me. Hello, I know I’m just another somebody in your life, but have it ever occur to you somehow or rather I’m like in the dark or something.

Though the tweets weren’t referring to that, or were they (now that I think of it, they fit)? Since you brought it up, it’s food for thought. You don’t reply me, from my perspective you reply a lot of people in the world but you don’t reply me. Did I just get singled out by coincidence?

If it’s one thing that I’m really disappointed about, was that when I woke up 5.30am on your birthday, I told you I would wanna give you a call or something to sing you a birthday song. You didn’t appear anywhere. Why do you think I wanna call? I just want to hear your voice.

Tonight is just… I don’t know I don’t even know how to describe how I feel. Disappointed? Maybe. Surprised? Not really, its you I’m talking about. Upset? Yea, a whole lot, but thats not really the word. Heartbroken? Totally.

I’m trying to have a conversation and when you seem uninterested, I’m just… trying to save whatever dignity I’ve left.

‘Well sorry for pissing you off then, or ending your night badly. Bye.’

Seriously. Really made me felt like a fool. Why bother, really.

So, its back to the question, am I really that sensitive? Or it’s just you being insensitive.

Written by nwck89

October 26, 2010 at 12:38 am

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‘.. and I wonder if I ever crossed your mind. For me it happens all the time.’ – Lady Antebelum

Written by nwck89

October 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

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Confused.

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Sometimes I wonder if I should have done what I did on that particular Tuesday night. At least it removes the awkwardness, and the apparent cold shoulder I’m getting, or at least thats what I think I’m getting.

Sometimes I really just feel like being invisible.

Written by nwck89

October 15, 2010 at 1:41 am

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I wonder, why does it seem like you’re avoiding me. Could I be thinking too much..?

Written by nwck89

October 12, 2010 at 1:06 am

Posted in Thoughts